Fire and Fan-Service – Game of Thrones ‘A Knight of The Seven Kingdoms’ Review

As always, Full Spoilers for Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 2.

I didn’t mind this week as much as last. It was still stupid (but when isn’t it?), but at least it was stupid with some wholesomeness thrown in for good measure. This one is a longer review than the last one, but that’s because I’m gonna go through it all, rather than just the bits I liked and didn’t like.

I suppose I’ll start at the beginning. We open with some good ol’ chronic stupidity, some good ol’ revisionist history, and a lot of familiarly stupid writing.

Dany wants to kill Jaime, fair enough, he did kill and betray her dad, understandable. Everyone else is totally okay with her defending her father. Erm… Exquease me? The fuck is that? Her father was ‘The Mad King’. He was responsible for a lot of bad shit. I’m sure there are men old enough in that room to remember Aerys Targaryen II and the shit he got up to. Also, surely for Jaime to win the whole room to his side he just has to drop the ‘I saved a million lives, I don’t need your forgiveness’ bombshell. The only bad thing he did when he killed The Mad King was break his fucking Kingsguard oath, and it’s for a justifiable, understandable reason. Jaime isn’t a bad guy okay? He’s one of the best characters, stop trying to make him the fucking bad guy, alright?!

Then we get some weird fucking alternate reality where apparently Jaime attacked Ned in Kings Landing because their houses were at war? Not strictly true, but I’ll let it slide, he attacked in retaliation for Catelyn’s kidnapping of Tyrion (on false accusations might I add, so Jaime was defending his brother’s honour). And don’t even get me started on Brienne sticking up for Jaime. All of that was true-but-not-true when you think about it. Jaime’s hand wasn’t cut off because he was defending Brienne, it was cut off as a fucking example, it was cut off because Jaime was a spoilt little daddy’s boy, it was cut off because the men who had captured him were fucking sadists. Not because he was defending Brienne. If she’d referenced the time he jumped into a fucking bear pit for her, then she would have been correct, but no… The show seems to have just forgotten about their dodgy CGI bear, just as they have forgotten about my main doggo Ghost (more on him later). This show just likes to conveniently forget shit that happened in the good seasons. Funny that, almost like they don’t want us to remember when this show was good!

And then we come to Dany getting grumpy with Tyrion because he trusted Cersei. Only… So did you. So did Jon. So did EVERYONE who went to Kings Landing! But of course, it’s Tyrion’s fault, who else would it be? (All this rage at Tyrion is just set up for some shit later on in the episode, and we’ll come back to that) Season 7 is irrelevant here, too. Let’s say for instance they decided not to trust Cersei – They don’t get her troops. Okay. So they trusted Cersei, they all took a gamble, and it failed – They don’t have her troops. Someone explain to me here how they are any worse off for trusting Cersei? If anything they’re better off! They at least got Jaime out of it! This is such bullshit, needless, pointless non-fucking-conflict. It’s not like they’ve been back-stabbed. Oh my fucking god this show…

I’m not even going to talk about the Arya and Gendry scene that came up next. The Terminator can’t help but look like she wants to kill people when she looks at them; was she thinking about how Gendry would look in a pie? Because remember, she does that. Or maybe she’s thinking about how much of a cool buff dude she could be if she just took his face. Because she does that too.

Bran and Jaime’s scene was okay, nothing special, but it was nice to see them back together, as they’re the ones who started it all.

Jaime and Tyrion then get sentimental, and we get throwbacks to season 1… Okay, I like these two being all brotherly again… But how the fuck does Jaime not hold a massive grudge against Tyrion? Tyrion killed their dad. Shot him to death. Has Jaime forgotten this? Did he bump his head at some point? Are we just supposed to believe that they’re okay with each other? I distinctly remember them being very very cold with each other last time they met. It was a great scene in the vaults/crypts/whatever they keep underneath Kings Landing, very emotional, two of the best actors on the show doing proper emotional stuff that MAKES FUCKING SENSE. Unlike this utter bollocks, which is just the two of them walking about remembering things. Remember your dad, Jaime, the man who solved all your fucking problems when you were a spoilt brat!

Dany and Jorah talk about Tyrion… And my fucking God, if they suck Tyrion’s dick once this episode they suck it a thousand times. He’s a genius! He’s a brilliant strategist! He’s a gift from the gods! He’s got a ten foot willy! None of these sounds out of place in this show, because they are set on making Tyrion the greatest character ever. He’s not! Never was, never will be at this rate! Jorah, shut your mouth, you know fuck all. Tyrion has never ‘owned his mistakes’. You spent a whole season with him where all he did was wallow in his own self-misery! Tyrion is not a genius strategist either, he’s never come up with any clever way to defeat his enemies on the battlefield. Ever. The Wildfire at the Blackwater was it, and that wasn’t even that clever, Stannis was expecting a sea battle and you played him like anyone would play him. Urgh… I’m so done with this already.

And then more Dany is forced upon us… Sweet Jesus, I can’t take any more of her. The best thing the writers could do is kill her off next week. Just kill her. Leave Jon to avenge her out of some misguided sense of vengeance. But anyway, she comes in to chat to Sansa (My Queen!) and they have a chat, but not before Sansa shows Dany who’s boss. The Vale Lords are hers, the Northmen are hers, and by proxy so is The Nights Watch and the Wildlings. She is a fucking queen in more than one sense of the word!

But Dany starts spouting shite about loving Jon and how she was manipulated into fighting his war. Was she fuck! This war is in her best interest; If the Night King wins, there won’t be a 7 Kingdoms to rule! So don’t give us that bullshit. You’re fighting this war because you’re a selfish shit and you want your pretty little 7 Kingdoms all wrapped up with a nice little bow on them. And then Sansa blatantly challenges that idea, claiming the North is free and will never bow again (As a proud Scotsman, I can’t help draw parallels there, and it fills me with patriotic pride!). But of course, because having this conflict play out would mean the writers actually have to THINK of a way to resolve it, someone comes along to interrupt them before it can get to that point. It’s so fucking irritating, and it’s not the first time that has happened in the series and it certainly won’t be the last! (It happens again in 20 minutes for fuck sake…) Sometimes this show feels like listening to old people tell stories, they just get completely side-tracked by irrelevant plot-points that really shouldn’t be of interest, and it infuriates you. I’d say an elderly relative, but you still love them for their ramblings. I fucking hate this shit.

Also, apparently Sansa is in on the Tyrion dick-sucking contest? How hard can this show go? What was it Tywin Lannister said? ‘Any man who must say ‘I am the King’ is no King at all.’ Well, replace King with ‘genius’ and ‘good man’ and I think I’m trying to notice a flaw in the show… Just because they say something doesn’t make it true. Tyrion is not a good man, and he’s far from a genius. He used to be, but not any more, not after he was dumbed down 2 seasons ago to make Dany look smarter and more heroic. This show has been the slow butchery of one of my favourite literary anti-heroes. Tyrion Lannister is a sham in this show and I hate almost every scene he’s in.

And then we have the case of the teleporting Theon! He was off the coast of King’s Landing last week. I imagine Yara was taking him around to the Iron Islands, so round to the south, past Dorne, back up past the Reach and to the Isles.For your consideration, here is a map of the North:

So, for Theon to have got to Winterfell, he’d have stuck with Yara until they got to the Isles and then jumped on a boat and sailed to The North. Then he’d have to get off his boat somewhere; either the coast and just row ashore, or he could have landed in Flint’s Finger. Assuming he took the most direct route, that would still take fucking donkeys time! It’s the middle of winter, he would have froze to death trekking cross country. Say he sticks to the road, it would take him even longer, because roads are never just straight shots! Fuck sake, this show has delved into a world where they just travel at the speed of convenience! It works in my D&D games, but not fucking here, not when you once spent a whole half season getting from Winterfell to Kings Landing!

I also would like to raise the point of Bronn. He, theoretically, left Kings Landing on the same night, or perhaps even the night before. And he’s not there yet. Obviously, it’s Bronn’s age that has caused this, and not ANYTHING to do with the fact that they don’t want him present for the final battle because he’s survived so many inexplicable things already!

But Theon’s return is a nice emotional one, and once again Sansa proves she’s the boss. Theon is Dany’s man, but it’s Sansa he’s here to see. And Sophie Turner shows that amazing chemistry again, just being a great actress as always. God, I really hope Sansa doesn’t die, I’ll lose one of the very few things keeping me here.

And then we get a cool little scene where Davos looks at a little burnt face girl who no doubt reminds him of Shireen. Which only reminded me that she died and the whole ruining of Stannis’ character, only serving to remind me why I fell out with this show. They ruined the One True King (I’ll make a ranty post about this one day, because I have enough to fill a book with my hatred for what they did to Show Stannis).

As the Nights Watch and the Wildings from the wall return, we get more of Ed, as a flash of ginger tackles Jon Snow. Tormund being the comic relief character has always been one of my favourite bits of the show, and I will always love the big ginger guy.

Oh no… Battle planning scene… I remember this one from The Battle of The Bastards. It was a shit show. Theoretically, their planned worked there, but here it just seems idiotic. It’s another post I’m going to make, probably next week after the actual battle has taken place; but I want to review how I’d personally tackle a battle with the wight army. You can’t take them like a conventional foe, and it seems to me like meeting them on a open field in the freezing cold is a terrible idea.

But everything seems bad here, and it’s safe to say they are. Our beloved characters are fucked. Makes sense that killing the Night King would kill a whole load of the wights, but surely they’d have to kill all the White Walkers to end the army completely? Or are they just assuming killing the Night King kills White Walkers too? It’s a hell of a gamble, that one… I do like that the Night King is focused on killing Bran, he’s fighting for his own survival and Bran as the Three-Eyed Raven is a threat to that.

Theon is to protect Bran; Theon is totally fucking dead next week. I mean, come on, how fucking obvious can you get with that bullshit? He saves Bran = character arc complete = Dead.

Tyrion gets his dick-sucked again by Dany, praising his brain now, because that’s what they need. FUCK OFF WOMAN! Why? Why are the show so bent on trying to make us think Tyrion is a genius now? Is this them trying to repair the damage of 2 season worth of dumbing down? Because it’s not gonna work, fuckers! You reduced him to the guy who’s quotes you slap on t-shirts! He’s your merch monkey now, not a major character!

But he’s regaled with Bran the Super Computer’s tale of woe. So he’s probably been told some secret info that will be crucially important next episode, because obviously – That’s what this show does now; use the Explain-O-Tron in a wheelchair.

Missandei and Grey Worm get a scene; one or both of them are gonna die next week. Shame, sounds like you were planning a nice holiday.

And then! The Moment you’ve all been waiting for! GHOST COMES BACK!! My fluffy big- Oh no wait he’s fucking tiny… What?! He’s such a bullshit after thought, slapping into the background of the shot.

‘So yeah,’ say the Showrunners, ‘the fans love that dog, we better get him in. Do we have enough in the budget CGI folks?’

‘Nah, we used it all for white walkers and pervy dragons. But I know a guy with a husky and a green screen?’

‘Perfect!’

Game of Thrones Show Meeting, 2018 or some shit.

Ghost is a DIREwolf. Not a pet. He’s a monster! Why is he tiny, slapped in the background?! Not going to lie though, I was overjoyed to see the best doggo back, and if he doesn’t get a moment in the next episode before his ultimate death, then I’m going to be very very annoyed.

I liked this scene though, it’s nice seeing the last 3 Nights Watch boys back together. I’d say they’ve always been great, but that’s a lie; Jon and Sam are idiots, and the writing has ruined them. But it’s nice to see them, and Ed doesn’t get enough screen-time in my eyes.

And now we come to my favourite bit of the episode, even if it was bullshit fan-service that I hate. The Magnificent 6 sit around a fire and shoot the shit. And they’re all going to die next episode. Brienne especially, because they’re doing what The Walking Dead do quite often – Emotionally overload you with a character the episode before they die. It’s an old trick, and it’s getting tiresome. But Gwendoline Christie’s performance is just… It’s great. She’s great. I would die for her and her big dumb smile. Brienne’s knighting is probably going to be my favourite bit of this whole season (unless Dany dies a gruesome death… THAT would top this). My only problem is the writers quite clearly couldn’t think up a vow for each of the Seven Gods, because Jaime just… Stops after 3. Why? Were you worried the scene was taking too long? Did it eat into your Tyrion Dick-Sucking time?! You couldn’t give us a proper knighting? Is Brienne only half a knight now? If she holds her sword in the left hand is it Knightly Justice she’s dishing out, but in the right she’s just another pleb but with a fancy suit of armour?

What did annoy me though was the comment of ‘Almost everyone in this room has fought the Starks.’ No. No they haven’t Tyrion. Brienne never fought the Starks, she literally served Lady Catelyn Stark. Davos never fought the Starks, he was with Stannis who only ever fought the Lannisters and Renly, and then he was Jon’s man fighting the Boltons. Tormund fought the Nights Watch; Jon Snow, yes, but he’s exactly that ‘Snow’. Podrick and Tyrion… You both missed a battle against the Starks because Tyrion was passed out. Jaime is THE ONLY person to have fought the Starks in that room. What is this revisionist history bullshit? I thought Tyrion was a genius?!

Gendry and Arya fuck. And I really couldn’t care less. I’m more annoyed by the reaction to this scene on Twitter and Facebook. Yes, it’s weird to see Arya have sex, but that’s because she’s an emotionless shell, a robotic monster who puts people in pies – Not because she was a child 10 years ago when they started filming this show. It’s two consenting people (well, one person one robot-psycho-monster) having an intimate moment together. It’s nothing new on this fucking show.

Sam gives a Valeryian Steel sword to Jorah. Okay fine… But shouldn’t you give it to one of your actual friends? Ed couldn’t do with it? Tormund couldn’t use it? You don’t want to have it down in the crypts just incase? Okay, fine, it’s your lovely Gilly and your little Sam you’re risking…

Podrick’s singing is pretty great, and we get a budget version of Pippin’s singing in Return of the King. Instead of a doomed cavalry charge and the ultimate sacrifice being made by Faramir, we have some people lying in bed and hiding in corners. It’s touching, and I’ve a feeling half the characters shown in that montage are dead, but a bit sort of underwhelming at the same time. Props to Daniel Portman though, he’s got a great singing voice and it works very well for the moment. I quite liked that.

And we end the episode on the moment all the fanboys have been waiting for; Jon tells Dany he’s her nephew. Which looks like it’s going to get into a fight or argument, and I was actually liking where the scene was going. But alas! Why resolve a scene and progress the plot when you could throw in a big horn blast that distracts the characters! Because the writers are scared idiots who don’t want to commit to anything anymore!

Fuck this honestly, I’m done. The show bores, irritates, and infuriates me. Night King for the Win, hopefully he kills them all next episode.

Predictions for next week?

So, Brienne, Tormund, Davos, Podrick, Ed, Missandei, Grey Worm; They’re all in danger. Theon is certainly dead.

I’d say The Hound too, but they’ve relied to heavily on fan-service this season so far that it would be idiotic for them NOT to include the one piece of fan-service people have wanted since season 1: Clegane Bowl! Some Cleggers on Cleggers action!

Tyrion, I feel, is also on the danger zone. What with all the false praise, he’s being built up to being vital to the plot, that it would be a ‘shocker’ now to kill him. Not that I would mind.

Dany and Jon. Now – This is what I want, it’s probably not going to happen, but it’s what I’d like. Dany has the opportunity to save Jon from death on the battlefield, and she doesn’t. Because if he dies, then her claim is clear. He’s alive, and she is not heir to the Iron Throne. Therefore – She leaves him to die, he comes back, miraculously alive (because he’s Jon Snow and has some of the strongest plot armour I’ve ever seen), and then confront her (only for the conflict to be cancelled by Cersei, because why resolve anything when you can interrupt it, right?).

So this was a long one, and I apologise for that. Hopefully next week’s will be shorter because we’ll get some sick ass battle sequences that I can just review as ‘Then we get some more wight killing.’

I imagine a lot of next week will be me complaining about the shows inability to use genuine military strategy. But maybe I’ll be wrong!

Anyway, as always folks… Thanks fur Reading 🙂

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